It’s really hard sometimes. To live up to everybody’s expectations. To be that perfect employee, that perfect son, that perfect friend. So hard that sometimes on days you feel really worn out and down, you can’t help but be empirically broken down. You start talking to yourself, start hating yourself even to the point of hurting yourself just to prove a point. Even without an audience, you feel like you have to mutilate yourself to make your inner voice just. I’ve been there many many times, so many times that I finally question myself, “Why do I even bother?“
I consider myself to be someone who is rather adequate for normalcy. I’m not a serial screamer/cusser, I don’t take drugs, I don’t hang out with the wrong company (by wrong I mean the actual meaning of the word) and I don’t ask for what is unnecessary. I have normal grades in school although it usually is left a lot to be desired. So why am I constantly being attacked emotionally for this? I can never be an A* scholar but I believe my brain has capacity for it but I procrastinate. I can never be that chunkalicious piece of hunk on the beach because I love food too much. I most probably will never be rich enough to relax but I’m very sure I won’t starve. So why, I ask again, why am I constantly being criticized for being inadequate?
Why can’t you be…
I bet ______ would…
If only you would…
*sigh*…
I don’t want to nag at you but…
Why can’t you be like _______ ….
Home is somewhere you can always trust to have unconditional support and encouragement. I am certainly not asking much when I ask for unconditional support and encouragement. I am not even asking for unconditional love. Home is where you can run to after your colleagues talked you down and insulted you. It is where you can run to if you feel lost with your life. It is where you can run to after you fought with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It is where it is supposed to feel like home. I certainly don’t feel it now.
I am extremely tired and somehow shit always happens when I’m near exhaustion, colour me lucky. My birthday is getting nearer and my simple yet demanding wish hasn’t come true. Faith is really just faith in the end.
Aparrently not all home are perfect. Just like what you’ve said. they expect you to be this this this, that that that. But you know that it is not really possible unless you do something about it right? Well your expectation of home is not going to happen unless you do something about it. Some people are blessed with a good family but apparently we are not. But it is POSSIBLE if you are willing to take the first step even if it is a small step. TALK to your family. I am not talking to my family as well but I try to. Of course it doesn’t necessary mean that things will turn out good one day. But you know what. at least you have tried. In that case when you look back you won’t live to regret it.
P.s. You can always talk to me
I may not be physically there to have fun or be crazy with you all the time. But know that whenever you feel down, I will always be there for you and giving you my 5 cents worth of advice. It’s a matter of whether you want to take a step or not 
meet up soon!
By: avier on October 16, 2010
at 1:43 am
Is this the same Yellow Raccoon with red hair and glasses with a photo on another site? Just trying to get in touch. BTW, I like the rambling stream of statements on your blog.
Jack
santana.garcia@hotmail.com
Las Vegas, NV
By: Jackinvegas2010 on June 6, 2011
at 7:46 am
I do have reddish hair and I wear glasses…but I don’t think we’re the same person. Sorry.
By: raccoon on June 6, 2011
at 8:36 am