It’s really hard sometimes. To live up to everybody’s expectations. To be that perfect employee, that perfect son, that perfect friend. So hard that sometimes on days you feel really worn out and down, you can’t help but be empirically broken down. You start talking to yourself, start hating yourself even to the point of hurting yourself just to prove a point. Even without an audience, you feel like you have to mutilate yourself to make your inner voice just. I’ve been there many many times, so many times that I finally question myself, “Why do I even bother?“

I consider myself to be someone who is rather adequate for normalcy. I’m not a serial screamer/cusser, I don’t take drugs, I don’t hang out with the wrong company (by wrong I mean the actual meaning of the word) and I don’t ask for what is unnecessary. I have normal grades in school although it usually is left a lot to be desired. So why am I constantly being attacked emotionally for this? I can never be an A* scholar but I believe my brain has capacity for it but I procrastinate. I can never be that chunkalicious piece of hunk on the beach because I love food too much. I most probably will never be rich enough to relax but I’m very sure I won’t starve. So why, I ask again, why am I constantly being criticized for being inadequate?

Why can’t you be…

I bet ______ would…

If only you would…

*sigh*…

I don’t want to nag at you but…

Why can’t you be like _______ ….

Home is somewhere you can always trust to have unconditional support and encouragement. I am certainly not asking much when I ask for unconditional support and encouragement. I am not even asking for unconditional love. Home is where you can run to after your colleagues talked you down and insulted you. It is where you can run to if you feel lost with your life. It is where you can run to after you fought with your boyfriend/girlfriend. It is where it is supposed to feel like home. I certainly don’t feel it now.

I am extremely tired and somehow shit always happens when I’m near exhaustion, colour me lucky. My birthday is getting nearer and my simple yet demanding wish hasn’t come true. Faith is really just faith in the end.

I thought of writing out a long awesome post about my Philippines trip, but something major cropped up unexpectedly to my friend. I hate when life is not carried by a flowerly carriage driven by the 12 ponies of destiny and real world problems kick in. I wish for so many things, but these things do happen to the best of us.

My friend only recently told me his father was diagnosed with cancer AT A TERMINAL STAGE. Having cancer is bad enough, but terminally? That sucks royally, I can’t even begin to describe how majorly stoned I was when I heard it. I have never had to deal with this kind of things from my friends because we weren’t at that age yet. Now that we are, it sucks because I know it will only get more and more. People grow old, people don’t live forever, sry2say.

I remember it was my second year in poly and in the middle of having lunch with my classmates, I was told by my parents to hurry to the hospital. It was so surreal, having to skip Dimuthu’s Programming class (Partly because I have never skipped class in my life) and having to experience such an event. How much of a fool I was to think that this would never happen to me. There laid my Grandmother, with tubes all over her body and the breathing aid pumping air into her body. It was such a gruesome sight, I couldn’t think properly. All any other normal human being, I wanted to do something. Something that might be of use, like saying something useful. But I couldn’t. I’m just not that kind of person, does that make me evil?

Few days in, my father had this awkward session of “expressing our feelings” to my grandmother. It felt so forced and uncomfortable for me and from an outside view, it looked like I didn’t care at all. I do, I really do. I did what I could, I obeyed any request that was given to me and did it in half the time anyone did, because that was how I expressed myself.

Almost 4 years on, I still have that traumatic aura over me. I still can’t express myself fully to my friend who definitely needed my concern at that point of time. I felt like kicking myself in the face. I always strive to be someone that people can come to when they need emotional support because I shamelessly go to others for that. Maybe one day it will take another life-changing event to make me realize I don’t have my whole life to tell people what I feel. Maybe.

Even though I always say how much I detest my father, I cannot truly imagine what would happen if something were to happen to him. I don’t have the courage to accept something like that so easily, much less not feeling emotional about it. Some people talk about the measurement of love. How is that humanly possible? How can love be measured by mere constants like self-perceived volume and time? Love does not need a measuring tube.

Entries like that make my heart heavy. I need a good rest.

Here goes the 10 Random Things again. I promise to update more often from now on as this is pretty much the only way my close friends who haven’t been seeing me for awhile can have a closer look and update about my life without losing touch.

1. Just chatted with a close friend and how she’s dealing with her family problems. You have many people who love you, so don’t lose hope! (go listen to Into The New World like nao)

2. I’m going Fred Perry crazy. I’m being a total trendwhore but I really like the vintage feel of the brand. If only it wasn’t so bloody expensive.

3. Had the first and worst date in YEARS. I think I’m still not ready to let someone in. Someone please shoot me because I’m CLEARLY contradicting my WANTS.

4. My order Kpop CDs have arrived and I’m bummed to find out another batch of awesome CDs have just been released. Well, can’t spend anymore this month.

5. I’m set on saving a little money from now on. Usually I just blow it all on clubbing and Kpop. Refer to point 4.

6. Joining this Kpop dance competition with 3 days to practice. I’m really royally pissed at my friend for not planning well. I am not expecting this to turn out well, tbh.

7. Going for a holiday to the Phillipines in a month’s time. Very excited to be out of the country in such a long time.

8. I miss sleepovers. Someone please come my house nao.

9. Please watch Glee because it absolutely awesome. But please do not be obsessed with it because it is not cool to be associated with a series that rivals the cheesiness of High School Musical.

10. I solemnly swear I am a citizen of Singapore. Plus, my passport got extended, with the weirdest passport photo.

Having had my first Japanese class in ages, it is only the start of several confusing months of what I called a coagulated mess of learning two very similar languages at one time. Although I am not struggling much, it makes me think in both languages at the same time. Say, if I want to go somewhere, I would subconsciously phrase the desire to go there in both Korean and Japanese. Being much more fluent in Japanese, I’d include a few extra sentences. I guess that’s how you improve? Not to mention I’m up against this imba girl who sits beside me. I swear she has mad skills. When I and the rest of the simpletons form sentences about how Tanaka-san can go out to the park despite the hot weather, she whips up this super chim sentence of how hearing-impaired children can compose music despite their disabilities. I’m very afraid.

It also happens to be my Korean Class tomorrow. Talk about cultural overload. It made me think about each country’s good and bad points.

1. Both have AMAZING food.

2. Korea has hotter guys. Japan has hotter girls.

3. Korea has better singers. Japan has better lyrics.

4. Japan has the horror known as Kanji. Korean has five different ways of saying Pencil Lead. wtf Korea.

5. I believe Japan will always be the world’s phenomenon while I’m afraid Korea will just be a passing phase for many.

I really hope I can be adequately fluent in both languages by next year, then I’ll probably go learn some totally unrelated language like Russian or Thai.

Despite being a blog, its not carrying out its purpose really well. There are just some things I can’t say anywhere, not even on this personal blog of mine and it gets really frustratingly constricting sometimes. I just got a taste of some forbidden fruit and I would say, there are many things in the world – so many people yearn for it their whole lives, searching desperately to attain that pot of gold, only to find that its nothing more than over-hyped thrash. Sure it was good for that brief moment, but I’d dare say I can live without it.

Its the disappointment that I’m more worried about.

Some of you reading out there might be seeing this and thinking “what the fuck is he talking about?”

Ok fine. I had a, a befitting word of “psuedo-date“, and screwed it up. So there.

I’m getting old and this disillusion of a nice, innocent perfect first date can no longer be realistic in my eyes. Maybe because of that I finally have this concrete reason to completely and absolutely stop whining and complaining about how I can’t get attached for whatever reason. Maybe I have finally realized its not because of my reluctance to mingle around but because I refuse anybody that comes close.

Yes, some people have complained that some have been placed on a silver platter for me and yet I’m not the one to grab it. Do you seriously think I’m that desperate? Desperate enough to take anything that comes along? I’m not that hungry nor am I that lack of any rewarding qualities. I’m made of good stuff, just not good stuff for the general population.

Maybe I should go to Pandora, maybe I’d be more appreciated there.

RunDevilRun arrived a few days ago and I’m glad to say I was randomly blessed by a Tiffany poster. If it was Yoona or Jessica, I would’ve torn it apart. My mom bought me Brian Joo’s album. Its amazing, I really recommend to buydownload it. T-ara’s and J’s album came a few days earlier than RDR, both are amazing albums too. I wonder in a few years time will I still be as crazy about Kpop? They do make good music and good music never gets old. I think when I’m 40 these songs will be like evergreen LULZ. People will go “Eww you listen to that?”

Met up with a close friend over the weekday whom I haven’t seen for more than 3 months. I wanted to tell her so much things when we met, but initially I was hesitant because I have already experienced before hand how blunt she can be. I dreaded and visualized the various scenarios and words I have to endure when I told her what has been going on with my life. But surprisingly (but expected at the same time) she gave me advice and understanding. I really appreciated it because I was feeling like a total shit the whole month. The situation is such a emotionally draining experience. I know sometimes I like to over-dramatize my situation but really sometimes I can’t help it. There were so many words that she said that I really really really desperately needed to hear.

“I understand your situation.”

“Ask yourself this question; You can’t get over what people think of you or you can’t get over your own guilt?”

“Love is never wrong”

After meeting, I went home with a much clearer mind. I beat myself much lesser emotionally and I can sleep properly at night now.

WARNING: Do not ask me about the title, it is based on pure adrenaline-charged randomness of the entity known as Nadzirah

After having knowledge of Nadz’s demi-semi-quaverblogger-superstar status, I was motivated to blog about my own life, which I hadn’t for the past few couple of months. There has been a few extremely awesome and some extremely FML situations I have been in. Listening to Crystal Kay works wonders.

1. I’m on a long-term heartbreak. I realized you can’t just demand for some things in life. It has to be given to you.

2. Paramore Concert. I’m all wakuwakuwaku now.

3. BEG concert clashes with my good friend’s birthday celebration. Nonetheless, BEG is priority since I paid for it. Sorry BB.

4. SCC concert is nearing. I don’t even want to begin ranting about SCC, so I’ll leave it at that.

5. Got a new Fred Perry Bag. OK SO I’M A TRENDWHORE, BURN ME THEN. Nice tartan green, if anyone wants to know.

6. Going to gym on Thursdays with my mom from now on. That tummy has GOT TO GO.

7. I am the self-proclaimed Harlot. See pic for inspiration.

8. I did the most unthinkable dare ever at work yesterday and I think I’m going to regret it.

9. Do catch Kara’s Lupin MV. Hot Seungyeon is hot.

10. I need to go waxing again. How much was it again?

Work has been really stressful, partly due to the fact I have the most utterly down-est of luck of having Monday as my duty, really. FML. I return to work feeling like 105% shit and people come up to me demanding results and harassing me. Although I do not mind being called a slut, it does not mean I enjoy being treated like one. Believe it or not, lo and behold, even sluts have feelings. I don’t know whether its right for me to say this but I feel very unappreciated at work. For the amount of work and stand-ins I do, I should be paid at least 3 times of my measly labour pay. I know, I complain a lot, only because its the start of a very FML week. Otherwise, I’m pretty nice most of the time.

Chinese New Year was really short for me, I only got to wear my awesomeness of a shirt for only 2 measly hours. Hence, being unamused, I took the opportunity to camwhore. Only several days later did I realise they were really really embarrassing. I cannot, I refuse, to believe that is me in the pictures. Those poses were so phail. Please refer to my photo album in my Facebook page if I haven’t already deleted the whole shit of an album. I’m just not suited for camwhoring.

I might be a little sensitive, but I realised some of my friends didn’t invite me to visit their houses during this festive season. Is this the product of my own doing by alienating them? I guess I don’t really have a right to complain or grieve that I wasn’t invited since I practically asked for it.

I was thinking of creating another private blog for more private matters, matters that only some people would understand. I seriously need an outlet for my frustrations. Writing is somewhat therapeutic.

I’m sorry for the lack of pictures in this post.

I have been very lazy updating my blog but this time I’d thought I’d owe it to a fierce bitch for a dedication entry.

I still remember it was almost exactly a year before this month that I was scared to death, wanting to get myself waxed and rid of all abominations on my legs. God knows if I knew you guys didn’t bluff me saying you would do it too, I don’t know how else we would’ve met. I can only count the number of times we have actually met in person, but everytime we met it would be full of praises. Even more so when you compared me to the likes of the god-awesome Nickhun. It was, truly, like my own little fandom. *demands fansite now*

Sorry I couldn’t send you off today, had some chinese srsbznz to handle at home. Hope you fun there and do blog often about hot things, hot people and random stuff like seeing cats on the roadside……wait that’s more like Nadz.

P.S.: Hope you like the present. Whenever you miss Singapore or have a hard time handling bitches, just look at my present and you’ll know what to do.